Last night I had a long talk with my boss (who has become more like a second mom to me) about how far I have come. We were looking at old pictures of myself from 2-3 years ago and it was insane how different I looked.
They say the eyes are windows to the soul, and my eyes in those pictures looked completely different than my eyes today. That girl’s eyes were fighting her inner demons, she was unhappy, she was self medicating to make herself numb, and partying in attempt to maybe, just maybe feel a little more alive than she did. In retrospect, that is such a dangerous and vicious cycle, trying to medicate yourself to feel numb, while at the same time medicating yourself to still feel something, anything.
People probably think being diagnosed with cancer was one of the lowest times of my life, and I’ll admit, it was single-handedly one of my greatest challenges thus far, but the headspace I was in 2-3 years ago was absolute rock bottom. It took going through that dark phase of my life that prepared me to navigate cancer so well in the first place, there is purpose in your struggle.
I struggled a lot mentally, emotionally, and spiritually back then. I so badly wanted to find and know my purpose in life. I was so lost, using every damn vice in the book in attempt to fill that void, but nothing worked. This was also a point in my life when I physically struggled to ask for help, because in my mind, that was a sign of weakness. I did a tremendous amount of soul searching during that phase in my life, and honestly, it wasn’t until I was diagnosed with cancer last February that I began to have that aha moment of what my purpose is.
You know that saying, sex drugs and rock n roll, well mine was more like hip-hop and r&b instead of the rock&roll, but you get the idea, that was me. I was so in over my head, I thought I was untouchable, and I escaped death and danced with the devil far too many times… Something greater than me had my back that entire time, and it wasn’t until last spring when I began to fully comprehend that. And I’m not about to get all “Godly” because I respect all people’s beliefs systems, but I know for a fact that a higher power was protecting me the entire time, and needed me here for a reason. I came to realize that me going through those dark times equipped me to help others that are going through the struggle, because I can empathize, because I literally knew what that s**t feels like (I am realllllly working on my sailor mouth, for the record lol).
To be a healer, you have to learn how to heal yourself. And that was my initiation, it was my test to see if I could truly heal myself, so that I could some day hold space for others to heal. Considering the work I am doing today, I would say that I passed.
My mom use to tell me when I was younger, every struggle is preparation for what is yet to come. That rings truer today than it has ever as I reflect on how I’ve grown these last few years. I’m amazed, I’m thankful, I’m healthy, but most importantly, I’m finally happy. Better days are always on the horizon, I’m rooting for you!
Fun fact, I posted that picture on my Instagram almost 5 years ago to the day. Nothing happens by chance, everything happens for a reason. Blessings.